The Seven Sins of Life

There comes a time in every person's life when nothing seems to make sense.

 

To me, that time is now.

 

I've been pulled every-which-way by the stupidest of people, and had my heart plucked from my chest by those that meant nothing

but good. I've been morally confused, to the point that, if one had a peek into my head, they would shudder at the deranged thoughts

plaguing me. How does one change one's life? Especially when that life isn't worth more thana handful of salt to so many? I look back on some of the people that I have known, and I grow confused. Where is the friend tha tused to support me emotionally? Pregnant, and so far away. Where is the love that promised never to stop loving me? In someone elses arms. My former enemy? Now my best friend. My former object of so much lust? Well, regardless of his claims to never settle down, he is, with someone that seemed as unlikely to fall into such a good relationship as he.

 

So many confusing things, in such a short span in my life. Now I'm being urged to move to Dallas, Texas; a place that I mos tcerainly do not want to go, if not for the heat, then for the crush of people.

 

I think the thing that I want most of all, right now, is simply to hear a familiar voice that I'v ebeen denied for so long. To hear the absolute love behind the dulcet, southern tones of my greatest friend, and maybe my worst enemy. I want that.. so badly.

 

And he knows who he is. And he knows that he's lodged a Scythe in my heart.

So I find out that my former best friend is pregnant.

 

What the hell do I do? Tell her I'm sorry? Because I KNOW what she'll go through. She's only a little slip of a girl, anyway. I want to apologize... but there's nothing for me to apologize for. I'm tired of her always getting the men... ALWAYS... and flirting even when she already has a boyfriend that loves her more than anything. I just wish we could put everything behind us. I don't care if she apologizes anymore or not. Just so long as she doesn't decide that digging into the past and bringing up the same bullshit is worth it. If she starts another fight, I'll finish it.

 

I'm tired... Tired of being alone... of having so few friends.... of being exhausted and working all the time. I just want someone to cuddle up with at night, watch a movie, maybe... an just be a lech with. Someone I can 'use' as much as they use me... Though my version of the words is certainly less threatening than with some women. I want movies.. dates... where the men pay for it all.. I've NEVER had that.. I always end up using osme of my money... or all of it. It sucks.

 

Now I got myself all mad again...

Sad, isn't it? That I'm brought to thikn of such things at a time like this. The one who I cared for more than anythign else being led around by my younger clone. I hate how things work out sometimes. I am stressed beyond imagining, though. Admittedly, my twenty first birthday is in two weeks, and... really... I don't think there will be that many people to celebrate it.

 

It will be a day for me to celebrate, not the coming of age ot drink, no, but the year in it's own. A year of painful losses and horrible memories, but also a year filled with hope. They say that these are the years when you make your greatest friend.. the friends that you'll keep for the rest of your life. If that's so, then I'm Happy. I've made a handful of genuinely good friends, even if I lost more than a truckload of people posing as them. I wish to be like them, really. They all seem so happy ot see me most of the time, and I can't understand why. I've had so much happen to me, and I know I complain about it a lot... and they still surprisingly drag me along with them, or demand that I come over.. int eh middle of the night. Stuff like that. It makes no sense to me.

 

I miss having a single pole in my life to rotate around... I can't state names, really, since he's happily taken by someone else. Not to mention the distance makes things difficult now. But.... ^_^ R-poo... I miss you.

 

Katina